It's Kinda His Kid
by Zuzubear
Summary: What messages are on Clark Kent's answering machine? Well come find out! My oneshot for Agendas contains almost invisible BatXSuperman and MAJOR LexXSuperman. Like as in slash yeah. Rated for language.


_**Even though im mad robin wasn't in the last 2! Episodes! I still really liked it and of course I have another oneshot. This is once again a short follow up to after the episode agendas. The whole thing I was sitting there going why is luther talking to him now? And then this went "BAM IM AN IDEA WRITE ME OUT!" and I went 'ok' so enjoy. Forgive spelling errors**_

"Thanks again Clark for letting me stay here for the night. You think after years of traveling via zeta tube I'd be used to it by now." Bruce Wayne placed his overnight bag on the other man's couch.

"Right? Must be a human thing, since it doesn't effect me or J'onn." The kryptonian chuckled. "How's Dickie? Thanksgiving was today."

"He said he would be fine since he was going to Barbra's today, but I just" He paused and when Clark looked up from the fridge he was able to see the pained look on his face. "I couldn't get away today. It was important."

"Now that just sounded like a bunch of excuses." The Superman spoke around a mouth full of sandwich.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey you got some messages on your machine." Bruce looked over at the flashing red light on the outdated telephone.

"Wait, no don't." The hero reached out.

"11 New messages." the computerized voice rung. New message: _'Hey there. So this is Lex. You're probably wondering how I got your home phone. Well I have it now so that's all that matters. Bye!' _Message has been deleted."

Bruce looked over at his friend. "Oh that was just bad." Clark answered the look.

"New Message: '_Hi, this is Lindsay from The Cheetah Club. We just want to remind you of your tab of one hun-' _Message has been deleted."

"THAT was bad." The dark knight glared at the newspaper employee.

"Hey," Clark threw his hands up in defense. "Not all of us are billion dollar millionaires who can afford the expensive whores like Iron-man.

Bruce snorted at that. "Relating me to a comic book character? Really? I'm nothing like Tony Stark."

"Oh I'm sorry you spend all your money on secret orbiting space stations and weapons for personal use."

"New message:" The voice stopped their bantering. '_Ayyyyy, Clarkie why don't you stop down at la casa de lois for a little-' _Message saved. Next Message:" Batman noticed how Clark lost the ability to make eye contact. "'_Hey Supey, I'm working on a little something. Something to remind you of the good old days before that conniving bitch called Lois… Anyways I planned on giving it to you on your anniversary on this planet this summer, but he's learning so slow. Still have enforce strict manners. Anyways I'll talk to you later.' _Message has been saved_."_

"Hey I don't want to keep that one!" Clark reached for the phone. His hand stopped when he felt the cool feel of metal against his hand.

"That is evidence, and if you would pick up the damn phone we could of known about Superboy before all of this." Bruce slowly pulled away the bat-a-rang.

"You're just upset that Robin left you to go hang out with the other kiddies. By the way do you just keep those all over?" He gestured to the device.

"New message: '_Hi Superman! Luther again. So the cat's out of the bag early, surprise! You're own son! I wanted to make one pure kryptonian but they said he would to too hard to control. To supress some of his powers though they needed some human DNA too. Guess who volunteered. Me, that's right. How exciting he's virtually our kid! Please enjoy him, they tend to grow up fast!'" _Lex Luther's voice sounded a bit broken up on the last line. "Message deleted. New message: _'Hey I was watching you on the news. I was so excited about you and Supey Jr. fighting side by side. I hope things are working out. Although you could of at least given him a hug before you left, he looked so sad.' _Message has been deleted." Superman groaned.

"Told you." Was all the billionaire said.

"New message: '_So I've been hearing that you didn't take Superboy in. More like dropped him off in Batman's care, which is a pretty bulllshitty thing to do, especially to him. He may be a clone and he's feeling exactly the same way you felt upon arriving at earth. Yeah just try to adapt for his sake thanks!_' Message has been deleted"

"Why does everyone want to tell me what to do!" Clark shouted angrily. Batman was wise enough not to mention that was one of Superboy's first phases spoken.

"New Message: '_Clark! Where have you been chief wants a scoop on the monster Superman took away. He's really mad you just up and left town when the biggest story of your life presents itself_.' Message has been deleted."

"Don't you just love nagging girlfriends?" Bruce smirked at the distressed man.

"It's better than bring home girls to bang after every event when you have a kid waiting at home."

"Don't you dare criticize my parenting, Superdad!" Bruce spat out sarcastically while Batman emerged to give his stellar glare to the kryptonian.

"New Message: '_How. Fucking. Dare. You!_'" Lex Luther's voice began to shout at them. "_I give you a kid, someone to make you think of me in a good way, and you ignore him. I made him look just like you, give him your abilities. I programmed him so all that he would want it your approval! You asshole, expect a brutal attack from me soon_. Message deleted."

"So that's why that android attacked you last week." Bruce snickered at that.

"New Message: '_Hey Superbitch,'" _Bruce giggled at that._ "Superboy aka Conner is fully functional in society and is doing just fine without an asshole like you around. I just wanted to rub it in your face that he has straight A's and is on the football team dating that cheerleader Megan. Yup, he's more successful than you ever will be you, fucking alien. Why don't you just go home? Oh wait you can't, HA! Hope your not tired of fighting the bad guys because I have even more self adapting and learning android to send your way father-of-the-year!"_ And with that biting comment the line went dead.

Clark sighed and he clicked the number that would delete the message. "What's so special about this clone?"

"He's not just a clone he's half kryptonian and half human." Bruce grumbled.

"Aw are you jealous someone else provided me with a kid first?"

"Nope, actually I'm glad seeing your parenting skills."

"Hey, you know what I've been wondering? Who's the mom!" Clark had a gleam in his eye. When the Batman only supplied him with a blank stare he continued. "I mean Luther keeps saying it's my kid right? So how did he get my sperm, actually never mind I think I know how." Bruce tensed at this. "But what woman would have had the egg. Is she hot? Maybe she carried only recessive genes since Superboy looks exactly like me."

"You do know the I did a DNA test on him right?" Bruce's expression could only be read as you're-an-idiot-why-are-you-not-comprehending-this?

"Really? Well show me the clone's momma!" Clark was grinning at this point a list of possible women running through his head.

"In the cloning process and egg isn't needed. Just a stem cell and the genetic code for another being…" Clark only gave him a continue motion. "Conner is also Lex Luther's son." Batman deadpanned.

Clark was slient for a second. "WHAT?" He was so shocked he flew up into the air.

The multi-millionaire was quick to pull him to the floor checking to make sure the blinds were closed. He was about to talk when the answering machine went off again.

"New Message: '_Hey Superdouche! Guess who it is. Yup and I have exciting news. You know Conner? That clone/son you seem to ignore. Yeah well since I programmed him I can control him with just simple phrases. That means I'm taking him back. Tell Bats he did a great job with him and Robin. Uh, that Robin! He's so adorable and polite. Joker talks about him all the time!'"_ Lex gushed, making Batman grimace. "_Yeah, so anyways Conner Luther is now in my care and is tending to rely on me more. Just thought you should know before he switches sides to join the FATHER THAT ACTUALLY LOVES HIM! Goodbye, Superjerk." _As the line went dead Clark looked up to meet a furious Batman.

"You know what? I have to go. I've got a million problems but you're pity party is not one of them! Now if you'll excuse me I have a young hero to console, a son to eat thanksgiving dinner with, and a clown to kill." With that the feared Batman stomped out of a small apartment in the middle of Metropolis.

"Message has been deleted. No more new messages."


End file.
